Kill the Babies

Dear Catholic, pro-life friends of mine,

I need to tell you something. Something I have kept quiet about for sometime now because I did not want to strain our friendships. But the time has come to tell you that:

I do not want to kill babies.

I am pro-choice.

And this still does not mean that I want to kill all the babies.

But I do want you to read this.

Thus the “catchy title”.

I am writing you this letter because on the 25^th of April, 2015, Mexico City passed a law to legalize first-trimester abortion. And I support whole heartedly the decision to legalize abortion clinics in Mexico.

But this decision prompted some strongly worded and pro-life campaign petitions to arrive, uninvited, into my inboxes.

and I would like a chance to respond.

So.

I am pro-choice.

But.

If I’m honest.

I have been, at times, little fuzzy about how I feel about abortion.

Ever since Eddide Vedder wrote the words “pro-choice” on his arm on MTV unplugged (and after some research), I have argued for the right for women to choose to have an abortion... or not. But when a close friend of mine told me, she had had an abortion, the news rattled me more than my liberal heart would have liked.

Why? Probably because at the age of 19 my mother fell pregnant out of wedlock. I have always admired my mother’s strength of character, to accept, so unconditionally, her responsibility and change of direction in her life. And had my mother decided to terminate the pregnancy, my sister would not be here. And the thought of a world without my sister, frightens me.

My mother’s strength is of course her own, but it was founded in her family’s support and love for her. My mother also grew up in a time when career (albeit life) options for women in a small Australian country town were sort of… foolhardy and “cute” (read: unrealistic). My friend was not in the same boat as my mother when she found out she was pregnant, not even in the same ocean, yet I still found her decision difficult to come to terms with.

I was 19 myself at the time. And when I spoke to my mother about it, she said that if I had been in the same position, she would have encouraged me to abort the pregnancy as well. She regretted absolutely nothing, but understood that there are more visible opportunities in women’s lives these days. And besides, who knew, perhaps my sister would have arrived later, at more convenient time if she'd made a different decision.

I know you, my Catholic friends do not believe this.

But some people do. It all depends on what you believe.

An Atheist friend of mine and her husband have recently been trying to get pregnant, but without success. When she and I spoke about the possibility of artificial insemination, she, to my surprise, was very uncomfortable with idea. Mainly because of the process of disposing of the eggs. Those eggs that did not become a baby, would be later be discarded. For my friend, those discarded eggs were lives she was ending and she felt she would mourn for them even after giving birth to an actual baby. But for me, artificial insemination was simply a bunch of cells and chemistry congealing on a petri dish. Discarding them, would be like throwing out out-of-date chicken eggs from the fridge.

I know. This doesn’t really make sense. How could I be so “whatever” about the “lives” in a petri dish and yet a little icky about my own friend’s abortion? Aren’t they more or less the same thing? When did I think a bunch of cells became a life? What was the difference between a petri dish and a womb? I’m sure the Buddhists would have an answer, the Catholics another, the Atheists another, but me, I was and still am, way less confident to say anything with certainty.

If my Atheist friend’s discomfort with artificial insemination and my own “kill the babies in a petri dish” attitude proves anything, it’s that the concept of “life” is different and difficult for all of us, no matter what our religious, spiritual or moral persuasion is. There is a group here in Mexico called, “Catholics for the right to choose” . There are Buddhists monks who have been jailed for inciting religious hatred. There are even Hindu scientists! This world is full of hypocrisy and complexity and none of us are immune to or innocent of either of these things.

I am pro-choice.

I am pro “a woman’s right to choose”.

But sometimes I don’t even know what this means. I know it means that I want both my mother and my friends to do what is right for them, in that moment of their lives. But in this “abortion debate”, we have become so lost in the language that we silently shout at each other, that it feels like the words have lost their meaning. “The selfish murdering of an innocent life” or “the termination of an unwanted pregnancy” are two ways to say the same thing. But now, they are just slogans, not dissimilar to nike's “just do it”. They represent an attitude, a devotion to god, a side. No longer to the words actually hold meaning (although the abortion debate would be a little different if “just do it” was the pro-choice slogan).

The problem with this loss of meaning within the debate is that we have started to demonize each other as either monstrous or idiotic respectively and the firey, empty language that we use disconnects us from the “other”. And isn’t connection with one another the whole point? Of, like, you know, existence? Isn’t that God’s challenge for us?

I don’t know. You guys are the experts on that.

What I do know is that that urge that pushes you to share emails and whatsapp messages with me about the moral dangers of abortion clinics, is the same urge that inspires me to write this letter about the dangers of the not having abortion clinics. We are both trying to change each other’s mind.

In a conversation a catholic friend of mine and I once had about the matter, she agreed that there should be exceptions for extreme cases, like rape or if the mother’s life was in danger or, I added, finding out after the fact that the father was a climate change denier. I was not trying to make light of the issue, but instead I was trying highlight that what is considered an extreme case to one may differ for another. And who gets to decide what is an extreme case and what is not? A ballerina’s cut-short career may be equally as damaging as an abusive husband and father. A come back I gave my friend a one point during the discussion was, that if men could have babies, there would be an abortion clinic on every street corner. It’s a silly, make-believe idea and it’s the kind of exaggerated language that diminishes my argument. Rest assured, I did not come close to changing her mind. Although, it's still an interesting idea.

The fact is though that abortions, like sex before marriage, have always happened and will continue to happen. Whether you believe it is "right" or not. There is a “subculture of illegal and often unsafe abortions (that) exists in nearly every country of overwhelmingly Catholic Latin America”. They will happen and they will be performed in backyards, tin sheds and garages with coat hangers, drugs or violence. And so, as Mexico bloats in population and strains under the weight of half the nation in poverty; as 43 students lie dead and unaccounted for; as the drug cartels police and politicians roll their fat bellies in corruption and death; as air pollution stifles the earth’s lungs so we no longer hear her scream; as we “selfishly murder innocent lives” around the world for oil; as drones bomb schools; as babies starve; as women are executed in the streets; as beheadings are filmed as proof of religious righteousness; as people walk into a abortion clinics with guns and kill those charged to protect, I feel the need to softly and gently say that:

I am pro-choice.

If only because it acknowledges the befuddly, imperfect, mistake-making, dunda-headed hypocrites that we all are as human beings. And because it recognises that this is not easy, this is not clear cut; because what is “right” for you is not necessarily right for someone else. And because we need to talk about it, with love and respect for one another.

If you don’t believe in abortion, don’t have one. But allowing a woman to choose what is best for her body and life, is not declaring that I am are right and everyone else is going to hell. 2,000 – 3000 women die each year in Mexico alone from illegal abortions. If legalising abortion clinics protects the lives of those living, breathing, human women, imperfect as they may be, then of course, I support, without doubt, their right to choose. 

I believe it their right to choose, not yours. By banning abortion clinics, you take away women's choice, women's free will. And if I remember correctly, didn't God (him)self grant us our free will? 

I respect that you fundamentality oppose the act of abortion. It's a difficult subject for all of us. But instead of demanding the closure of abortion clinics and instead of demonising those women who do choose to terminate a pregnancy, all I ask of you, is to love them. As God commanded in John 12 34-35, "as I have loved you, love one another". As Catholics and people of faith, I ask that you bring the compassion, the beauty and the humanity of your religion to these women, and forgive them and accept them as befuddly, imperfect, mistake-making, dunda-headed human beings, sinners if you will, just like me and just like you. Counsel them in the way you believe is best, but ultimately, allow them the opportunity to decide.

With respect, sincerity, and love,

Sarah